It’s that time of year again.
Its the time of year
Hooray. OH, and good news!
Ok I don’t think we can just word art our way out of this one. It’s time for serious talks. Basically since about 2017-2018, I have had a yearly fight with my lymphatic system. Every year its a little different, sometimes it presents itself as just some swelling and annoyance, sometimes it completely effects my thyroid’s hormone functions and causes significant repercussions to do with my bodily functions in various ways. Every year doctors have a pretty similar explanation for it all. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Ok that’ll be all your money.
I’m not anti doctor, anti medicine or anti science. The problem isn’t with them, its with the healthcare system…mostly. This is not a cut and dry diagnosis, there’s no one test to figure out what’s going on, because it seems to involve some degree of autoimmune disorder. My condition seems to change pretty rapidly over a span of about 3-4 months, typically. Sometimes week to week, sometimes day to day. The feasibility of being seen any the onset of each of these changes just does not seem possible. Most of the time, what ends up happening, is I track the changes, but by the time I am able to actually be seen, and then actually able to be tested for anything, my condition has already shifted in a totally different direction. It feels like for the last 5+ years I’ve been chasing a carrot on a stick of diagnosis. Every year things have eventually gotten better, and I just go about my life hoping it was the last time, but knowing its going to happen again.
This year, its hit hard…and at a pretty terrible time. I’m still very thankful that my body gave me a *cool* little break of not having a terrible time with it last year during the arrival of our little bean, for sure. But things are super hard right now. I am constantly fighting to keep our family above the water line financially, the entire industry I work in seems to be collapsing at a rapid rate. The people I am closest to in this industry seem to be hell bent on pulling the plug in the hull all the way out so that we call go down. We’re not even billionaires so nobody will give a shit when we’re at the ocean floor. Every day I inch loser to the reality I am probably soon to lose the thing I’ve dedicated 10 years of my life to build, and my reward is typically people saying that I’m just overreacting and that I “should be happy for what I have”. Great. Thanks. I AM HAPPY for what I have, and that’s why I’m so freaked out about the thought of losing it. I keep pretty extensive records of things, and the rate of decline currently is outpacing the rate of any growth I’ve ever experienced. If that’s not terrifying, I’m not sure what is.
It’s 2023, inflation is going wild. Interest rates are going insane. Cost of living is going god damn woozledoodles. I’m not blind to the fact that everyone around me is feeling that same level of stress and strain, and I work in a supremely non essential industry that when things get tough, people are going to recede from monetarily. Knowing why the boat is sinking, believe it or not, doesn’t bring you much peace when the water is hitting your knees.
Right as the water hits my knees, and I’m at full bore trying to figure out how to get into a safer situation.
ok last one I swear.
I start feeling that dragging, gnawing feeling that my body is starting to undergo it’s transformation into a shitstorm. The GOOD news is, unlike in previous years, I currently have a doctor who actually seems to care and believe in my condition. The BAD news is, its essentially 250$ out of pocket every single time I see them. Did I mention that NC recently stopped regulations on health insurance companies so that they can more freely charge whatever they like? And that our health insurance policy that is nearly 1200$ a month, that we could never even imagine affording without government assistance, has a 18000$ deductible and huge copays? Did I also mention this was the BEST POLICY WE COULD EVEN GET? No? Sorry forgot to include that part. If this has been the case last year, I have no idea what would have become of us. Between pregnancy, birth, emergency surgery and checkups…my mind boggles.
The shitstorm is here. It’s happening, and its pretty much the scariest it’s ever been. Normally it’s hard for me to accurately describe my symptoms in a way a doctor will even perceive them as an issue. This year the doctor noticed things were starting to show signs before I even noticed them. One thing that always tends to be a factor, is pain. Pains everywhere, like I have been doing the most over the top workouts and abused every muscle in my body. This year, that has hit hard. Hence the slowdown of me doing the thing I love to do the most, garage work. Well, the doctor seems to be being proactive here. For the first time in 5 years of having thyroid issues, I am having a sonogram produced of it. What that will tell them? I have no idea. What I really hate though is that I’m not sitting here, relieved, that someone finally seems to care. I’m sitting here thinking, if this doesn’t end up showing anything, that’s gonna be it. I will be tapped out. I’m going to end up living with this stuff until I end up not living. Just that one ultrasound is 850$ out of pocket. Paid up front. Before they will even do it. What if that shows nothing? What if that shows they need to do more investigating? Thanks to the wonderful caring and human forward loving American healthcare system, I’m left here thinking. Damn. Am I really worth this much? Am I worth dumping so much money into that me, my family, may never financially recover from it? What kind of horse shit is that. Of course I am. The bean is, my wife is, why not me? Well, I guess one really truly can’t know what it’s like to have a value placed on yourself and your life..until it’s there. Its truly a moment in your life that you can only understand from the inside looking out, not the outside looking in.
Maybe I should be happy though, that the looming financial burden I present is only but a glorious distraction, from what has plagued me for years, could actually be something far more life changing than a few month annoyance. I won’t scare you with the details, but as far as lymphatic system diseases and issues go, I have not fit the mold of anything that is a cute little take a pill here and there and you’ll get better. The odds are, it’s something that is within me genetically incorrect and I will likely live with forever, or is something more aggressively and indiscriminately trying to consume me.
oh whoops I guess I had one more of those floating around.
I’m so exhausted that I don’t really even have the time to put into worry about the what it is very much. All I worry about is how we get through it, and how I manage to juggle braving a face to save my career at the same time. But I think people can see it, people can see that I’m just not really *there* as much. I rarely do clip-worthy things anymore, there’s very rarely excitement about the content I create now, mostly, people are along for the ride. They like me, my family, and my content by extension. They want to see me continue and thrive because they know that I like to do it. That is wonderful, that is beautiful. But it is failure. I have to be giving back too, I have to be doing something that makes people excited and energized and want to keep coming back, or the bleeding will only get worse. ..but that fight of wearing two faces is hard, and often, I’m not up to the task. The real me is basically always there, and It’s not very pleasant, I know. I wouldn’t even be writing this right now if it weren’t for the generosity of one single person, that helped us get through the brink of medical debt early this year, all I wanted from that was to feel like I had a new breath of fresh air and I was ready to take 2023 by the horns *dodge theme plays* and make one last great attempt at this…and it feels like I’m really just going to go down with a whimper. Fuck.
Anyway, do me a favor would you… Wherever you are, whenever you are voting, if you actually get to vote on things. When someone is trying to aid in the corporate health care agenda, think about your old pile of polyurethane. Think about the effect capitalist health care has on people. Think about the mental effects that having a monetary value placed on your life has on a person, on a life, before you cast that vote.
Thanks.
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