Holy crap.
For quite some time I knew I wanted to take a minimum of 1 month away from streaming/content creation and focus on having a solid month of just being DAD. I wanted to have the most non-american stereotypical paternity leave possible. It’s pathetic how poorly this county treats, well most everyone frankly, but new parents especially. I knew long ago this was true, but now having experienced that first month first hand, oh man. We suck.
I know it’s not the same for everyone, I’ve known people that have kids and bounce back to their normal routine in what seems like the flash of an eye. But there is just no way that is healthy, for parents or child. Newborns are a constant care situation. It’s wild to me that people think its normal for one or sometimes both parents to return to work asap.
I’ll be eternally grateful for the opportunity to get to witness this first month with almost undivided attention though. It’s a bit unfortunate I ended up taking on a side job that overlapped with this time, but thankfully they are an understanding group of humans that did everything they could to not have it overwhelm me and distract from the real task at hand.
It’s wild how much she’s changed in just a month, it’s also wild how much we’ve changed in just a month. All three of us have so far to go still, but we’re all gaining skills every day that will help us start to feel human, or start to feel human again.
Hey speaking of distressing and depressing Americanisms…I took her to her 1 month checkup yesterday. I did. Just me. That should not be a big deal, I’m not dad, I’m parent. Every (ok..well depending on which stars you wink at) human on this planet had two humans that caused it’s existence. There is zero reason that both of those people can’t be responsible for all of the roles necessary in the growth development and care of that human unless something is physically stopping them. I never really saw it growing up, but our generation especially seems to have been brought up so incredibly masculine focused, and not just that the definition of what is masculine seems so incredibly tilted. The fact that in 2022 when a group of parents in the waiting room audibly take note of the fact “Dad is out with child!”, we have fucked up. Real bad. Parenting a child doesn’t mean mothering a child and fathering a child, it means parenting them, it means taking responsibility for them in the ways that best suit everyone involved.
I know moving forward things won’t always be the same. The fact of our society is we can’t live without income. I have to return to work. We are so fortunate to live in a position where we are used to living small, we are used to living without, and making the most out of what we have. I would much rather live our small scoffable existence but have the opportunity to have parents that stay focused on parenting instead of going “all in” on prosperity. I know it works differently for others, they think making big bucks is the only way to properly support a family, but I just don’t see it that way. All the money in the world can’t buy the connection that being there for them as much as possible offers.
I’m not sure what the future holds. Right now, things feel positive. I feel like career wise I’m heading in a good direction, but I know doing the things that I do that rug could get pulled out at any second. I live on my tippy toes doing what I do, but I do it for us. I could make more money and live more stable doing other things, but could I stay home as much as I do? Probably not. Could I have a flexible schedule that lets me be there for my wife and child at moments notice? Absolutely not. Could I have the chance to chase my own dreams when I feel like I need to in order to maintain a healthy mental state? No way.
So I keep going. I’m going to go until that rug is so far out from under my feet I can’t even see it anymore.
She’s 9lb now already btw! Doing great, perfect development score and seems to be growing perfectly nominally. She’s getting tons of new personality and is starting to be less a newborn and more a baby every day. Yeah there’s a difference, trust me. I go every day excited to see what new things I’ll notice today, and can’t wait to find out what tomorrow will bring. She’s now met every grandparent and a great grandparent! I know she’ll never know these memories, but I’m glad we’ll at least have them to share with her in the future. I’m always happy to hear about the things I experienced and people I met before I had a chance to remember them.
Myself and Paint have had quite a few conversations about how to handle the situation of living a public life with child. I am not a fan of exploitative content pertaining to children. Using your child’s image or persona as a ploy to make your content more engaging or eye grabbing is gross. People are also pretty gross. In my time on the internet I’ve had some negative run ins with people getting obsessive. Sometimes it’s a matter of their mental state making them lust for the human connection they cant find other places, sometimes they are just creepy, but it’s always more damaging to me than it is to them. I also am aware of how futile my attempts of letting her have a 0 profile life growing up would be. It’s 2022. If people want to know anything, or find anything, they will. They have. So we are just going to take a middle ground. Never will I focus content around them at any age short of one I think they can make an educated decision on whether or not they want that to be part of their lives. What age that is, we don’t know yet, it’s something that will just happen at a certain maturity point. I find it almost next to impossible that I will live a public life for her entire childhood, but in the even that it does, these are things we have to consider.
We’ve shared pictures, mentioned names, ect. Some might find that overstepping boundaries already. I can understand that, I appreciate that opinion I know where it’s coming from. At the end of the day though, we have lives to live. Our lives, are closed off from our friends and family. The situation for us as of now is that plainly, what I do for a living, is also what we do with our lives. A total disconnect between the two is impossible, and frankly just not fair to us. She’s a major part of our lives now, and many of our audience are a major part of our lives too. So while we will never make content focused at her, and will do our best to maintain her privacy especially as she grows older and becomes not just a baby that is an extension of us, but a person that is a life of her own. There might be times you see her or all of us in the background of a video, or on a webcam or you might hear conversations between us. That’s just how it is, we are a family. I can do the best I can to maintain her anonymity as a person, but its going to be next to impossible to hide the fact that we are a family living under one roof.
Everything is going to be okay. Pinkie promise?
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