We’ve had 9 months to prepare for this moment, and oh prepare we have. But I still have no idea what life is actually going to be like.
Being a parent is something I’ve dreamed about for as long as I can remember, but it always seemed like a dream. Not something that could ever actually happen, my life was too unstable. My social attitude had grown too poor, I was too jaded to try relationships again. My career path is as volatile as it gets, how could there ever be the stability?
Well here we are. In the span of 3 years I’ve gone from feeling like flying solo hopping from place to place was the life for me, to living somewhere I feel like I will be for a long long time, in a relationship that makes me feel complete. Sometimes its hard for me to wrap my head around that. Sometimes I wonder what the people around me must think, the people I knew from before 3 years ago, that probably connected with the me that was more “free like the wind”. I must be so different to them now, I hope they don’t feel bamboozled. It’s plain, it’s normal, its basic, but “Husband & Father”…just feels right to me, it’s where I wanted to be, not what life handed me.
I feel different these days, I don’t feel like I am the same person I was 5,10,15 years ago. It makes sense to me now why so many friends and close contacts come and go throughout your life. We’re all constantly shifting and evolving in our own social ways, and those shifts are going to push people away or pull people closer. I miss a lot of the people I used to talk to regularly, but I don’t worry about it anymore. I understand how and why it happens.
I don’t know what +5/10/15 years from now me is like. I feel like so much of my personality and existence is based around what I do for a living. Being “ConeDodger240” is part of me, its the biggest part of me. Being able to making a living making entertaining content for people to consume is such a dream to me still. Even as things get tougher, things are changing. The whole idea of anybody doing this for a living seems less and less likely every day. I just don’t seem to care, I just want it to last for exactly as long as it can. I know the day will come when “ConeDodger240” isn’t anybody to anybody again. I guess part of me feels like, that is okay. I feel strangely confident that I’ll find the new me again, and perhaps being Dad is part of that. Maybe something new will catch my eye and I’ll find a whole new me will be the biggest part of me. What I’m saying is, I just don’t know (VGG infected me with that expression).
Overall, I can’t wait to meet our lil’ bean. I can’t wait to see Paint transform into Mom, and I can’t wait to see what I am like as Dad. I know it’s going to be challenging, I know there will be hard days. It still excites me though, to be able to find out what the next me will be…and soon what they will be too.
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